This is What Sets Me Free...

The Lord really planted a hunger in my heart two years ago. Little did I know He was actually preparing me for what was going to be the hardest journey of my life. 

I was pregnant with our third daughter. At 24 weeks along, I went to my appointment just for a regular checkup. For some reason, I went to the appointment with feelings of anxiety and worry. I told the doctor about it. She said, “Hey, let’s just do an ultrasound to put your mind at ease.” When we did the ultrasound, she kind of had a pause and told me she would be right back.

When she left the room, my heart just sank. I knew that something was wrong. I was thinking, “What in the world is going be wrong with my baby?” My daughter had not grown in four weeks. My fluid had dropped severely low. 

That left my husband and I in a whirlwind. I was labelled “high risk” and additional testing was needed. After multiple tests, seeing a cardiologist and a specialist - we began to put all the pieces of the puzzle together to figure out what was wrong with our baby. 

It went from for them possibly having a solution, to doing blood transfusions, to them telling us there was little to no hope. They said that we just needed to go home and grieve.  

As a mom, to hear those words, “Just go home and grieve,” I was just devastated. What do you mean, “Just go home and grieve”? I was thinking, put me on bed rest, give me a special diet - you know? Do something. I just can’t go home and grieve.

So they did. They sent us home. We took the weekend to cry and grieve. We decided that wasn’t good enough for us, and we were going to pursue other options. But most of all, we knew that God is the Ultimate Physician, Ultimate Healer, and Miracle Worker.

We decided to cry out to Him, to ask Him to heal our baby. That’s what we did. We asked our church family to pray with us. 

It was a turning point for me because I was thinking, “How am I going to wait to see if my baby is going to live or die? If she doesn’t make it to birth, how would we burry her and never bring her home? How was I going to do this?"

During this season, the Lord really started teaching me how to do a quiet time. I started waking up every morning at 4:30 or 5 a.m. I would wake up weeping, crying, and praying. God started speaking to me, and that was pretty amazing for me because up until then I had heard people say that God talked to them, that God spoke to them. I mean, I knew what that was but that really never happen to me.

It was just so amazing to see that God was singling me out. He was seeking me at this time in my life. Over and over again, I could hear Him speaking to me through Scriptures and showing me Scriptures. 

One of the verses that I was mediating on was Isaiah 41:13. “For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Later, I found a book where my mom had written on the cover that exact verse. It was perfect timing. 

I think God was doing this over and over again saying, “Danielle, I am here. I’m with you. I’m holding your hands. I’m walking with you.”

I was pretty broken. It was just awful. I went into my closet one day and said to God, “God, I don’t even know how to pray anymore. I need you to give me something.” 

When I was reading through my Bible, I went to the book of Daniel. It was this story of Nebuchadnezzar, and he had this image of gold that he wanted everyone to praise and to worship. But where God really spoke to me was when Daniel’s friends said to Nebuchadnezzar, “Our God is able to save us if He so chooses, and if He chooses not to - then He is still our God, and we are still going to worship Him.”

God spoke to me in volumes. That was the answer to my prayer telling me that absolutely God can a 100% save my baby, but sometimes the answer is, “No.”

If the answer is “No,” I’m still going to worship God and know that He is good. He is faithful. That’s where our faith and trust comes in. 

I know my daughter went straight to heaven when we lost her. I know she is with the Lord, and she is at peace and safe and happy and fully healed. I am just excited to know that I get to see her again, and I get to hold her again. I will be with her. All these things that God has done for me, that is what sets me free.